free grain: A made golfer

When Jill and I play golf we prefer to play as a twosome unless we're playing with friends. Many people enjoy having the Pro Shop match them up with another couple so they meet new people. Unfortunately, we're both so insecure about our games that we prefer playing alone. Well I guess that's not the only reason... when you play with strangers you can't take various deities' names in vain, throw clubs, or beat your fists on the roof of the cart... gee golf is fun.

Yesterday we were scheduled to tee off alone at a local course. The Pro Shop assured us we could play alone. We were in our cart next to the tee box chatting with the starter while we waited for the foursome in front of us to advance to the green. The starter was a fellow about 75 who could barely fit into the cart he was so large... okay, fat. He was wheezing on about the features of the course when a cart pulled up behind us. The starter jumped out of the cart like a gazelle and ran back to the cart behind us yelling "Johnny, Johnny welcome back." We were both stunned by the sudden feat of athleticism.

Johnny turned out to be an 80-year old guy with a greasy comb over. I turned to Jill with a knowing look. Sure enough the starter dragged Johnny up to our cart saying... "You folks wouldn't mind playing with Johnny would you? He's a great guy!" What are you going to say... ah, no thanks, we prefer to play alone... or... sorry we don't have any emergency oxygen in the cart... or... sorry we're not CPR certified. Nope, you just smile and say "Of course we'd be glad to play with Johnny" as you shake hands and introduce yourself. "Pleesed ta meet ya" Johnny growls with an Italian Boston accent.

Being a polite sort of person, I insist that Johnny tee off first. He's pretty fit looking in his black pants, matching black nylon golf shirt, and white Nike sneakers. When he swings I hear Jill let out a gasp behind me as I watch his ball sail 175 yards down the right side of the fairway. I'm doing all I can not to laugh. Johnny has the most unusual golf swing we have ever seen. Instead of bringing the club back behind his head before his down swing he brings it back then loops it in front of his face then snaps it down with his wrist... wham... solid ball contact and a decent drive.

After a couple of holes we strike up a conversation. Johnny tells us he was in the construction trade in Boston for 40 years... or fotty years. He also tells us he's a good friend of John Daley and rides the tour bus with him. Indeed, he claims Daley is like a son to him. Johnny sounds like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. I mention this and he smiles saying he is a good friend with Pesci and often cooks for him and his New Jersey cronies. This guy is getting interesting.

Eventually, after listening to how he started as a bricklayer and became a contractor, building over 100 commercial buildings in the Boston area, I open my big mouth and say... "Must have been pretty tough being in the trades in Boston... you know,", I continue, "What with the mob and unions and all?" He gives me a squinty sort of look. In my normal unconscious manner I go on to say with a nervous laugh... "You're not Mafia are you?" Suddenly my good ear became aware of the stunning silence. I can hear birds breathing in their nests, worms digging in the ground, and the sound of my dying breath. Johnny gives me another squint and, holding up his hand with his index finger and thumb about two inches apart, says "Just a little bit," then mumbles "Ya know they're pretty good guys." How the hell do you respond to that? Gee, I bet they are great, in fact I once met one selling drugs at the local grammer school? Or... I love the way they employ all those runaway girls in bars as pole dancers... hmm maybe that's the kind of buildings ole Johnny built.

Jill and I are no longer focusing on our games. Instead we're quietly speculating on ole Johnny... is he a made man? Where did he get such a strange swing... was it to avoid dislodging the Glock under his shirt? Finally we calm down and decide ole Johnny is probably just a bullshitter. Then on the 17th tee, while waiting on the group ahead, I hear the theme song from the movie The Godfather coming from somewhere nearby. When you can only hear from one ear, you can't tell where sounds are coming from so I spin around looking for the source in time to see Johnny flipping open his phone... the phone with The Godfather ring tone... BADA BING!

Here are some Christmas pics and a couple of photos from a recent hike.